Excerpt: “Memory Escapes”, A Novel



* * * * * * *

I am not now certain whether it is that I am awake when writing this, or dreaming.  I am considerably certain of nothing at all!  This confusion is quite exhilarating, and I cannot contain in words all of the things I am currently experiencing, although I will attempt to express what I can.  I am experiencing a shift, confusion, joy, excitement, fear, and a radical inspiration to dive into the ultimate reality!  I believe I have just seen a glimpse of it, and I am left craving more.

I was just dreaming (Or was I?) that I was a cloud of dust out in the vastness of the universe.  Within me, the particles swirled about and collided with each other, which I experienced as a tickling that made me feel like laughing, although I had no body to allow for laughter.  It was a joyous experience as I felt the particles begin to clump together and gain mass, increasing their gravitation and allowing for more and more particles to be affected by this force.  My extremities, the edges of me as a dust cloud, felt like silk dancing on the wind, bending to and fro with the passing density waves of distant black holes consuming stars.  I could hear a humming that was more than a white noise.  I listened deep into the darkness surrounding me, as there was no light source near me, and what I heard was sublime…. From the humming arose a symphony of sound!  The universe’s grand orchestra was playing the most beautiful music I have ever heard.  I cannot describe what the sounds were, as I have no instrument that can compare to the flowing sound of a galaxy spiraling, the constant crashing beat of a black hole devouring stars, the rhythmic percussion of microwave background radiation, or the still present pop of the big bang echoing off into the deep… One cannot give words to sounds, as hard as I want to try.  As the dust cloud, I could not cry, and yet in my highest high of experience, I wish I could have.  In that moment, I felt the tickling of the clumping particles begin to itch.  The itching then turned into a warmth and a heaviness within me.  It was not at all uncomfortable, and actually quite pleasant… Like the building up of sweat and friction as the bodies of two lovers become lost in their bliss, and then explosion!  I felt the orgasmic rush pass through me in waves as I became suddenly aware that I had within myself the shining blue light of a freshly born star.  Of my consciousness came the light, and of my body came the star.  They were one.  And it was beautiful.

I stayed for a moment, lost in the absolute grandeur of this experience.  It wasn’t until I began to feel myself dissipating that I became aware that I as the cloud would soon no longer exist, as my remaining particles were being shed away by blast waves of nuclear fusion.  It did not hurt…  It was more like drifting off to sleep, becoming a little less aware, then a little less, until nothing.  Just black.

It was then that I opened my eyes, here in this body, in the black of my room.  I could not tell if I were still in the blackness of space as a bit of cloud, or if the sensations arising in me were of a human body.  I felt as if I were floating, though as my vision adjusted to the dark, I could see I was simply lying on the bed.  It was so strange!

And even now, as I think to this experience, and write these words, I cannot be sure that I am even here, in this body, or whether I am simply a cloud of dust off somewhere in the universe, just fallen into a deep slumber after giving birth to a star.

I wish to stay in this perplexity always!  I am not only of the stars, the stars are of me… And the light of my consciousness is the light of the universe.  It is all one, and this body is but one way I might experience that oneness.

I believe I will now go lie back in my bed.  Perhaps this time, I will be an entire spiral galaxy… then again, I may get dizzy.

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